PHILADELPHIA, PENNSYLVANIA — The Gneiss Geologists at the University of Pennsylvania have decided to go on a 24-hour binge-watch of old “The Fast and Furious” movies to understand Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Dwayne was elated to find out about the study, “24 hours! That’s crazy. It would be a lot shorter if they focused on Kevin Hart instead.”
Professor Iam Alegacy brought us behind the scenes of the landmark study at the University.
“I do not take this research expedition for granite.” Unfortunately, the puns got progressively worse in the interview as he began to channel his inner suburban father of three.
“The department is slate-d to release our findings publicly, the coal being that the results would make the public lose their marble-s.”
We caught up with an undergraduate research assistant, Kimberly Dabadeen, who was also in the lab, diligent transcribing and taking notes.
“To be honest, University and federal funds should not be going into this. I can think probably a hundred other things that are more critical, and underfunded, that deserved the grant that we got. This is a super niche issue that has no practical benefits in the real world in any way whatsoever. But hey, it’ll look nice on my medical school application!”
Professor Alegacy insists that the group of geologists is doing ground-breaking work that will have practical implications. On Twitter.
“Imagine how many people are going to be retweeting our study! I could maybe quit my job and become an influencer. Pretty sure it’ll pay more.”
To form, the Professor ended the interview reassuring us of their legitimacy and the taxing effects of the binge.
“This is all Netflix, but no chill! And don’t get me wrong, we enjoy the task, but it is a tuff job. You can chalk it to our rock-solid tenacity. Also, Flint, Michigan, needs clean water.”
