HOUSTON, TEXAS — A Senior at Rice University was recently arrested on suspicion of breaking and entering into the local Pizza place and then viciously attacking a pepperoni pizza pie. The perpetuated reportedly screamed a different terrestrial biome with each swing (TUNDRA! TAIGA! SAVANNA! RAINFOREST!).
When questioned, he admitted to the heinous act but initially refused to explain why.
However, once offered a plea deal of a 20% discount on an Amazon Echo during the next Prime Day, the culprit agreed to a public press conference to break down his motivations.
At the conference, the Rice University student identified himself as Robert Whittaker.
The senior explained, as an ecology major, he had limited employment prospects. The thought that a pizza pie, unlike him, could actually feed a family was too infuriating to do nothing.
Rachel Carson Esq., the attorney for the Pizza place, is expected to pursue a civil case against Robert for her client to secure restitution for damages.
“Mr.Whittaker engaged in malicious destruction of property and inflicted great emotional pain to my client. My client is unable to look at pizzas without thinking of primary, secondary, and tertiary consumers. This is a terrible tragedy, and we are seeking a legal remedy,” said Carson.
However, Sallie Mae, Robert Whittaker’s student loan lender, is asking for leniency on his behalf.
“Please forgive him. Because we definitely won’t for his loans,” said a representative for the company.
Barry Bishop, Chief of Campus Police, sent a University-wide email reaffirming his department’s promise in keeping all students at Rice safe.
It read:
“In light of recent events, we will step up enforcement that will disproportionately affect vulnerable groups on campus while simultaneously failing to enforce implicit bias training. Nor will we meaningfully engage with the community to build trust. Also, all students are now required to purchase DiGiorno’s pizzas. There are no exceptions.”
