ATLANTA, GEORGIA — Wanye Kest is a Senior Researcher at Emory University’s Department of Social Microbiology.
The stress of being unable to produce results, both in the lab and in bed, has finally caught up to the researcher.
His career and marriage are at its breaking point.
Since Mr.Kest was an undergraduate research assistant, he had always dreamed of having a career using SPSS and excel.
“I’m a freak on the spreadsheet, very, very scared under the bedsheet. As my partner can attest to,” said the soon-to-be divorcee.
After blowing through hundreds of thousands of dollars in grants on statistically insignificant data and Gilson pipettes, his job is at risk.
That very problem of performance, when it counts, has also caused some marital problems for the researcher whose marriage is now falling apart.
The couple had tried everything possible to salvage the relationship, from expensive therapists (that really should be covered by insurance) to pursuing a graduate degree together (a lot of people who have an existential crisis during their 20s use another degree as a coping mechanism to resolve deeper issues).
However, nothing they tried could bridge the gap that had developed through the years between Kest and his spouse.
Kest’s mother-in-law, Kris Janer, is a strong proponent for the separation and believes it was a long time coming.
“A divorce would bring in great ratings. Plus, I always wanted my daughter to marry a real man. A Biochemistry major,” said Jenner.
When asked for comment, his soon to be former wife Pim Mardashian responded: “His data was never significant, pretty ironic cause the p-value in his pants was small.”
After a brief pause, she continued in exasperation: “I wanted to spice things up! I suggested watching some adult videos to get us in the mood. But the only hub he was interested in starts with “sci-.”
