NEW YORK, NEW YORK— Aufbau Principle has filed a lawsuit against Drake (whose real last name is Ever, first name Greatest) in the Southern District of New York.
Aufbau is being represented by esteemed lawyer Niels Bohr and the recent law school graduate, Wolfgang Pauli, who is just excited to be here.
“Normally I’m excluded from things,” said Pauli.
Today is the first day of the long-awaited trial. Mr.Bohr has been preparing several months for the case and has decided to base his legal strategy by appealing to specific members of the jury.
Four, in particular, are seen to decide the fate of the trial: Juror numbers 1s, 2s2, 3d10, and the biggest wild card, 4s2.
However, the opposing counsel was able to see through the maneuver. The attorney for the defense, Lewis Daut, explained how he anticipated Bohr’s move.
“It really came down to simple quantum mechanics. I used a wave function to calculate the probability,” said Daut.
The first witness called to the stand was Drake, who brought his appeal directly to the court.
“Hey, after this is over, how about I get all your digits. But only quantum numbers yaaa’ll,” said Drake.
After several hours and suspicious texts to Millie Bobby Brown later, the defense rested its case.
Judge Plum Pudding decided to call a short recess to allow both parties to take a much-needed break before the final deliberation.
In a stunning conclusion, the jury decided to acquit Drake on all counts except murder in the first degree of rap music.
Juror 4s2 presented the closing statement: “Drake’s success and magnetic personality are the principal reasons he is being targeted. The plaintiff tried to spin this in an angular way. While he is not liable to any damages to Aufbau, we the jury believe he should stop messaging underage women.”
