TUSCALOOSA, ALABAMA — When Sean Sullivan entered the University of Alabama almost a decade ago, he decided to pursue a graduate degree in Biochemistry.
“I decided to get a STEM Ph.D. to make a lot of money, to publish frequently, and start a family as soon as possible,” said Sean.
The 8th year Ph.D. student currently has $10.17 in his bank account, and whose only source of intimacy is the random stranger’s hand he brushes against accidentally.
Sean is staying positive because he sees the light at the end of this very, very long tunnel:
“Another 5-7 years of teaching undergraduates in courses that should be the responsibility of salaried professors, helping on research with little to no published credit, and working on a dissertation that is less credible than Harvey Weinstein’s legal defense.”
“Just so I can get a piece of paper that will be on my wall for no one to look at because I sunk my time into my work instead of maintaining, or creating, relationships in my life.”
Sean’s doctoral advisor, Riach A. Parson Professor of Biochemistry, Winston Venderbush, reassures him that everything will work out.
“Sean, my boy. Relax! Everything will work out for the department and me. You? Not so much. Have you tried selling plasma? It really helped me as an adjunct.”
The undergraduates in Sean Sullivan’s courses seem to be more supportive.
Jeremy Sadler, a student of Sean, spoke highly of the graduate lecturer.
“Mr.Sullivan really cares about the material. He’s so dedicated! He’s in his office 24/7, it’s like he practically lives there. Actually, on second thought, I think he actually does.”
Sean seemed to confirm this, “Yea, during the winter, I can’t afford heating. A bonfire of failed organic chemistry exams did help a bit, but the office has running water, so I can’t beat that.”
