PARIS, FRANCE — Dr. Olivia Madilla was on board Air France yesterday when a man started to choke on his freedom fries.
The flight assistant asked if there was a doctor on board, and Dr.Madilla, a Ph.D. in Philosophy, volunteered.
Dr.Maddila got to work immediately, coordinating the aircrew.
“You there, get me Groundwork of the Metaphysics of Morals by Immanuel Kant, his seminal 1785 work that deciphered the motivations behind our values and actions. STAT.”
As it became increasingly clear the man was visibly struggling to breathe, the Ph.D. went into graduate lecturer mode:
“If this man needs to breathe, I must perform CPR. This is just a hypothetical imperative, conditional reasoning premised on reaching a goal for reasons related to one’s desires. However, we must explore the categorical imperative here. Do I have a moral obligation to save this man? Can a case be made through pure reason? Anyone have any ideas on this?”
Maddie Smithfield, who had taken Introduction to Philosophy 101 in college and is part of the philosophy subreddit, chimed in.
“Well, based on the universalizability principle, the general rule you’re acting upon is whether or not you should save this man’s life. Is there a contradiction in saving everyone? Maybe if you’re in the pharmaceutical industry. So are you really adhering to a universal law?”
However, Maddie continued (the man who was choking seems to be unconscious at this point): “Yet, through the formula of humanity, Kant argues that humans are rational and have agency. We have our own ends. So yes, you should save him.”
After debating for several hours, the plane finally disembarked, and local authorities boarded to clear the situation. One arrest was made.
“Only laws I follow are moral ones!” screamed Dr.Maddila as she was dragged away by airport security.
